“If I had a prayer, it would be this: ‘God spare me from the desire for love, approval and appreciation. Amen.” Byron Katie
After sharing something vulnerable with my spiritual director, I said to her, ‘why can’t I feel whole like this always? Am I the only one that returns to feelings of being down sometimes? Am I the only one that needs help pulling myself out of slumps, and getting stuck? Will I be able to help others if I myself move in and out of slumps and fears? A typical conversation would have gone something like oh of course, we are human, it is fine. Maybe a little laugh, and phew, moving on. But the silence made me question my own discernment and quickly snowballed my thoughts to panic, revealing my deep longing for affirmation.
I did not get a response. I didn't get the affirmation I was reaching for. I was given presence. Mentor gave me the response of sitting with me in this feeling of longing and then again directed the attention toward, where is God in this? I don’t recall the words she chose, but in my studies of spiritual direction and knowing the rhythm of our time together well enough, I knew that was what the silence was beckoning. Closing my eyes and directing my attention to God’s presence with us, I felt a blue oval of vulnerability circulating from my heart center out in the space in front of me. That was what was in my mind’s eye and the perceived energy I could feel with us. I am getting less and less judgy of my own perceptions, and in this particular session wasted much less time judging what I felt/saw and more energy listening to them. Which I am glad I did because it definitely sped up the healing process. By listening to my intuition I was much quicker to tap back into love.
This bluish oval circulating half outside-half inside of my heart center was part of my energy. I could see/feel it longing for affirmation. It was reaching out for someone to settle me back down into my own body. It was seeking for words. Words and sentiments that could ensure my okayness. As I mentioned before, my energy/she was not getting the outside approval she longed for. So I watched her hover and swirl just outside my body a bit.
I thought that in order to get back in my body I needed affirmation to settle me back down and tell me I was okay and normal. Instead: silence. So I stayed with the silence and watched the oval. My energy was tempting to leave, and also longing to stay centered. Longing to stay centered within myself. She was looking for affirmation in order to resettle. In an attempt to hold this energy, I held my hand out slightly in front of my chest. Palm facing inward toward heart center and elbow tucked in toward belly button. The energy then felt the strong presence of a baby in that space. You know when elbow is tucked down almost toward the belly button and the palm of the hand cradling baby in towards the chest with sweet baby’s face nestled in at the collar bone.
Oh I still long for a baby, I thought to myself.
Tears huddling at my lower eyelids.
A shift took place inside my awareness and my spirit felt-that baby is me.
I am longing to hold myself.
In that space, God and I were somehow energetically swirled together..
God and I, together, were mothering my inner child.
I heard:
‘I hear your longing for affirmation and
I am holding you through it.’
Feelings of heaven on earth swirled around me, God and our baby. A deep sense of wholeness and calm now pervaded the space.
After some time in the quiet, I sensed the spirit guiding me to do my best to share the learning I felt. She repeated back to me with clarity what she heard. Yes, you and God are mothering your inner self. Your inner child.
I did not need her affirmation. That would have cheapened the learning process. I needed her faith to guide me toward God’s presence already with me, to help me listen to what God was trying to teach me in that moment. I often long for outside affirmation and approval. I am an enneagram four and my deepest fear is to feel misunderstood. One of my greatest desires is to feel approved of and affirmed. What if I let God do that? What if I do not seek outside of myself for approval, affirmation or even love. To love ourselves, to love our inner child, is the greatest gift we can give the ones in life we are already mothering.
“The most profound thing we have to offer our children is our own healing.” Anne Lamott
If we stop giving ourselves away, and instead let ourselves let God tend to our inner selves. If we turn our attention toward tending to Christ within us, how would that free us to live? To be more fully alive? Without the need for grasping for love, and instead residing in it, what healing would take place? To remember that we already have love with us. We already hold everything we need to deeply know. Remembering God's presence ushers life into our bones, healing to our hurts and a cradling for our longings.
Eckhart Tolle says, the ego is present when we only want to do things for a certain outcome. What if we could live and breathe and move with freedom from response or reaction? How would that bring more fun and joyful awkwardness into our lives and freedom into our bones?
God is already with me. In love, and compassion. At all times. I do not need more. Everything else is a cherry on top. Lord let me fall in love with God’s presence in me this season, not looking for it from outside sources, but tending to the real presence of Love with me. How can we tend to God’s presence with us and mother our inner child this week? Like, for real, how? I am always looking for ideas and would love to hear your thoughts:)
Sending you love and blessing upon blessing today.
Here is a link to some beautiful, life-giving spiritual directors:
https://www.restorationmn.org/
https://www.sacredgroundspirit.org/