Hi friend!
I realize it has been a long time since I have sent out a piece via substack, so I just wanted to check in! I am still constantly writing and pouring that passion into what I hope may be of service to you. I felt like my words were asking me to be brought together into a larger cohesive piece, so I am doing my best to take time to listen to that yearning, and on most days, really enjoying the process! I wish I could do both simultaneously, but have found my word babies need all of my undivided attention and don’t like for me to split my time up amongst too many projects. Speaking of babies…
This will most likely be our last year homeschooling, and so I am doing my best to soak up every minute looking into the eyes of my babies. Well, the large and pretty mature babies that they are. And I should say, doing my best to soak up almost every minute. I don’t do the best job soaking up the many minutes where I am largely dissociating myself from my body when we do math and history. Jk jk…I sort of soak up those moments too. Cue: sweat.
Over the weekend, I started panicking. It is now April (edit: mid April!) and we have yet to decide where they are going to go to school next year. I have had the sense that this was our last year homeschooling for some time. It seems like the next best step for their educational journey, and I feel called to transition into being in the fun and supportive mom role vs the awkward math teacher that has a difficult time figuring out the lesson and then her son just takes over and teaches himself in the sunroom. I mean, that doesn’t happen. I also want to move more toward beginning ministry work in helping women to make margin in their lives through Spiritual Direction, as well as take more time to write the book I am working on and create devotions. I really really love writing encouragements and devotions, and am hoping to pour more energy into the development of that space.
That said, homeschool has without a doubt been the most fulfilling few years of my life. It has been extremely grounding, which for me, if left to my own devices I would likely wander around in the fields with my head in the clouds. It has felt so humbling and silly and fun and challenging and we have spent so much time learning to offer one another patience, forgiveness and grace and opportunities to simply try again. I really cannot say enough beautiful things about the whole experience. It is a time I will absolutely always deeply treasure.
So feeling these feelings, and spending time in prayer and discussion with the kids, I took the initiative to look into schools that seemed like they would be a breezy transition from homeschool. In other words, coming from a class size of 2, we feel like a small school would benefit their little hearts the most at this time. So I moved through the next steps to get them signed up. I felt like I did my part and felt at peace with whatever doors would open next. Welp, none of those doors have opened and as of now we don’t know what the next best step will be. I don’t mean to be too dramatic, but basically all of my life decisions came rolling to the forefront of my brain. What are you going to do now?! My surroundings began to close in on me. Life felt tight, and constricting. I mean is it hot in here?? I have zero clue how to pull together a high school transcript, and my sweet students will never have many friends or be able to transition smoothly into another kind of school experience. I have ruined them. This is not the first time my mind has flipped to panic, and so, we, my mind and I, have been practicing gratitude and faith. (Ahhhh, let’s all just take a minute to take a collective exhale. I do not wish to pour my panic onto you.)
So I told her, my mind, okay, we are going to look for the good and we are going to lean into faith. So we started by making small choices of gratitude. (note: this was somewhat of a forced gratitude- as gratitude is our spiritual formation practice of the month for direction training. I am not sure I would have been naturally that graceful with myself, typically I probably would have spent at least a few more days in panic)
I am thankful for our health. I am thankful for our time together. I am thankful we get to spend so much of our day being goofy. As I began to give thanks, the space in my mind expanded just a bit. I am thankful for the opportunity to be with them, oh wait- I already said that, but I do really love soaking up their energy. I am thankful for choices. I am thankful for nourishing foods, and water and school supplies, and beautiful mind expanding books. I am thankful for time with our mascots (Xander and Charleigh June). Without doing anything else but gratitude, my breathing slows and that tiny world that felt like it was closing in on me slowly widens.
And then the other morning, the youngest’s handwriting lesson caught my eye.
“Using your life for good” just about put me over my gratitude edge.
(Funny, because just the other day, I also posted on facebook that the youngest wrote in his daily planner that he was thankful for “me”…not to be confused with me/his teacher, but rather himself. Because he loves himself. That too- made my heart turn to a puddle…Apparently, I am soaking up all the encouragement I can get these days and just a big ol’ puddle of mush.)
Now, he despises handwriting pretty much more than anything, and we have some work to do on letter formation etc. (I mean, the children will offer each other self made math quizzes for fun, but ask this guy to do handwriting and it’s like you just asked me to do the dishes. The reply you get is not cheerful. One time, at a lovely little cohort we tried out, he turned to the sweet younger girl sitting next to him, and said, while looking thoroughly impressed, wow-your handwriting is way better than mine) But I mean come on, those words he chose and he has improved so much! I swear that was with no prompting. I just found it like that. Don’t mean to brag, but this mom thought she had near ruined his future.
Reading this caused my heart to stop. Or was it time that stopped? Or perhaps it was just the racing thoughts of my mind, I am not sure which. But in that small moment, all was right in our little world. In this moment, we are okay, and it feels like just enough hope and encouragement. In this little piece of their educational journey, except for letter formation- and 50/50 on dropping the e- to add -ing, all is well. (I might sound critical, but in real life, I get nervous to correct every little thing, because I worry I am being overly critical and don’t want to damage his soul with too many critiques, and then spend the next 22 minutes evaluating my parenting and look up child psychology research and it becomes a whole thing, and therefore we are looking into other schools.)
So I don’t know where this may find you today, but if you might feel like your plans aren’t panning out the way you thought they would, or that the path you thought you heard as your next best step is not opening the way you imagined, I hope that God through gratitude meets you in your moments of wondering. I pray that your vision for solutions widens and your heart softens to the possibility of miracles, and frankly, I pray that for myself too. (I would genuinely love your prayers as well. Do I continue to homeschool because it has been so fulfilling?! Do we send them to the very lovely and also larger school nearby? Do we wait it out and hope our original plan works out? I realize it may be small, and I also hope to choose the best suited space for them, because as you can imagine, I will be a giant hot mess releasing my little butterflies. I predict it to be more intense than the First’s first day of Kindergarten for me, which I will just say, was not pretty. I hope for a place where their hearts feel nurtured and that it is the right choice for the school as well.)
Well, all that to say…In addition to forced gratitude, I wanted to share some words that have been helpful to me, and that I think you may enjoy(inspired by the work of Gabby Bernstein)…
I am open to creative solutions for the desires placed on my heart
I am open to miracles
I believe God is supporting me
The simple idea of being open to creative solutions helps me keep my heart open, instead of covered with worries and hypotheticals. It helps me to turn off the racing thoughts of my mind and surrender space to Creator.
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I hope that this makes you feel like you are not alone if you are waiting on a creative solution of your own. Or if you are waiting for a miracle, big or small, I hope and pray you feel God’s comforting presence with you today as you stand in the in between.
I pray that gratitude, even if its semi forced gratitude, fills you with feelings of expansiveness and deep everlasting hope. May we be open to creative solutions to the desires placed on our hearts, and may we all feel secure in just enough faith for today, because as I heard a dear friend say recently, it is a beautiful time to practice our faith when the situation at hand looks like it’s not going to work out.
(At least these are the things I am telling myself, check back in with me come fall ;))
I am so grateful for you, thank you for your support, and I hope you have a beautiful weekend!!