I began writing this piece a few years ago so it feels a little bittersweet to let her go as it has been so fun to come back to here and there to write and wrestle with. It’s a little weird, but then again so am I, and I have no idea how it will be received, but then again I never do. Sooo, I guess all that’s left to say is thank you for taking the time to read and sending you so much love!! I hope your day is filled with some laughter and heap loads of unconditional support.
To my soul sisters ~ Thank you for embracing every inch of me and lovingly holding all of my human.
Boobs. Bubbies. Breasts. Tatas. They attract and they give life. They grow and sometimes deflate. Their very presence can impact one’s identity or feelings of loss thereof. Their complexity is curious, sometimes heartbreaking and also undoubtedly beautiful.
Breasts. We pay for them. We display them. We hide them or hold them down. They are lusted after and lifted up. They hang loose on restful days. They can be the source of tragic loss and pain and can be the source of life, immunity and essential nutrients. They are made up of fat, tissue and muscle. Like magic, they soothe a crying baby, disappoint a young woman or arouse a partner.
Have you ever wondered why the breast falls as life goes on? And what God’s purpose of design is in that? Am I reminded my identity is not physical? Or does their beauty soak up into my soul? I know I am so weird, and there is no doubt unquestionable curiosity and beauty wrapped up in the breast.
One time, after not seeing someone for years- and after birthing and feeding three babies- a fun loving woman’s first greeting to me was ‘Hi! What happened to your chest?!” And you know what, I kind of loved it. Thank you. Thank you, fun woman for your refreshingly frank honesty. I had been wondering the same thing! In my world, these courageous darlings have known every cup from a to dd in my adult years. And that’s only so far. Hopefully it goes without saying, these measurements are not any sort of measure of value, worth or beauty...but darn it, this is quite the anomaly. Like I kid you not, I mean I am kind of impressed with myself. We each have our own unique story with our breasts and how they impact our sense of self or identity.
We can learn so much from our breasts. In their very design, breasts are built for both attraction and comfort. In their very design, intention and purpose. Our Creator is the God of complexity and both and. And women, we get to proudly carry the beauty of this contrasting complexity on our chest. So much power, beauty and duality is held over the heart of a woman.
Breasts are amusingly mentioned throughout the Bible. Like the passage in Proverbs where it says to “let her breasts fill you at all times with delight”, or in Song of Solomon comparing breasts to two fawns (bouncy?), or in Psalm 131 when describing them as a place from which a weaned child rests(Proverbs 5:19, Song of Solomon 4:5, Psalm 131:2). There is also a very interesting reference from Luke 23:29, but we don’t have time for that now.
The breast encapsulates complexity and the “both/ and'' better than any entity known to this woman. Amazingly, boobs bring about animalistic attraction from one human to another, and they also tenderly feed the life of a fresh human. Isn't that wild? There have been ‘free the nipple’ movements that rally against the blur over the female nipple and wanting it to be freed like the male nipple. So fascinating, is it not? I wonder, can the world really handle the complex duality the breast has to offer? You tell me. I mean maybe it is just what we need.
So much power, beauty and duality is held over the heart of a woman.
I hear so many women spend time in feelings of guilt. Guilt for something we did or did not do. (Like apologizing for posting monthly baby updates a week or gasp a few days late- what’s that about? Or feeling like we are simply not doing enough when it comes to dreams/responsibilities ‘inside and outside’ the home.) A kind of false guilt that threatens to steal us of joy and rob us from the opportunity of true presence and grace. So maybe that is the purpose of the breast. God knew that women would all too often be exceptionally hard on ourselves that She designed us with duality reminders close to our heart. To help us be gentle with ourselves. To remember we are human and hold the divine. We are givers of life and attractive. That we will sometimes need to allow ourselves to be held up, and at other times need to just let it all hang loose. The Creator of beauty, and all things good, intentionally designed us to paradoxically embody divine humanity.
“We are already spiritual beings. Great religion is trying to make human beings human…then at the core of human personhood, we discover that what it means to be human is to also be divine.” Center for Action and Contemplation
Many religions and spiritual practices disagree on which came first, the human or divine part of us. I need to remember my wholeness, we say. Or, no, we need to remember I am born broken and therefore in need of a Savior, they say. However, I am not so sure the timing even matters. Maybe the point is really that we are both healing and whole in the present. The priority is not, ‘was I broken or whole to begin with?’, but rather that we are both whole and healing in the presence of God. It is in the present that these contrasting truths coexist within us, and between us.
The call to be fully human is one so sacred and perhaps, I am coming to find, the fullness of what it means to follow Jesus. To experience the divine through humanity, and the human as divine. I don’t become spiritual by ignoring my human and I don’t become beautifully human by only being spiritual. I need to wrap my arms around all of it and be willing to courageously unpack the paradox of it all. That is being human to me. And that is the most sacred thing we can do. That’s what Jesus did after all. Walked in all of his human for the short time he was here. To be more like Christ is to fully embrace this complexity. Breasts help us unpack this paradox. They give us a representation of the complexity and power of being human and holding divine, and how utterly beautiful and nutritious and attractive it can be to fully embrace this duality. We are called to walk with our chest and head held high, knowing we are carrying the weight of the contradicting world over our hearts.
I moved through a stage where I didn't love my human. I wanted to be fully spiritual. The human part kept letting me down, especially in my parenting. Human felt like a heavy bathrobe that I wanted to take off my shoulders. I was so hard on myself when my kids would bump up against what felt like my brokenness. The inevitable part that comes with being, not my imaginary version of ideal, but human. One with limits and limitations, emotions and off days. I spent too much time in frustration and disappointment with myself anytime they would feel anything but love and patience from me, when the reality is mistakes and humaning are inevitable.
I think before kids I was just much more stealth about hiding her. Hiding that part of me. The human part, ya know? I’d wait ‘til I was all jazzy and festive before I ever ran into someone of my species. But then, kids. Oh the glorious thing about birthing children, or birthing whatever gift gracefully pushes us to our limits, can make it so masks to our human no longer exist. In other words, I am like always humaning now. So this left me with a few choices; living in constant shame, a complete hermit lifestyle or deep surrender and acceptance. I can confidently say I have tried all options, and on most days I much prefer the third.
We simply can not bypass the human, in fact it is right through the heart of our human that wholeness takes place. It is as if this weird space, where we try to meld the human and the holy, may very well be the point of it all- the point of this whole human experience thing. The making mistakes, the falling short, the big and sometimes dark emotions. This fuzzy space where we have to do the work to make sense of all of it and meld the divine and human together through deep self love and surrender to Creator. In this space between the imperfect and the healing, the human and divine, there lies a magical space where God finds Her way in. Where relationships, grace and healing even find their way in.
So the next time we’re tempted to swim in shame for something we did or didn't do, let’s let the merciful ways of our kids, our pets, our Creator, or the ones that love us most truly, remind us to forgive ourselves quickly. To have a nourishing snack, to ask for support, to take a nap or exercise. To take some time for silence to get a better listen to what’s going on within ourselves. Because kids, and the ones that matter most, just want you in all of your human to be with them in theirs. Guilt can be really powerful when used to hoist us back into love and loving more deeply. It is even beautifully useful as a portal through learning and grace, but it’s really a bummer of a place to hang out. Swimming in it or shame doesn't get you back to you any quicker. So let her know you see her, ask her what she needs, and then let’s get back to humaning together. Cause that's at the heart of what Jesus did. In the presence of God, he was human.
I suspect God knew women would need a little extra reminder of our duality right over our heart. Or under, I mean for those that have lived a lot of life. Creator knew the world would try to weigh us down, and that somehow we would be unusually hard on ourselves. Perhaps, we have all come to be unusually hard on ourselves, in part from a place of truth, because we have seen just how much we can do. How much we can lovingly juggle. But what I find so interesting is how often someone looks and sees someone that in their eyes is “doing it all” and refers to them as superhuman. Like, wow, look at them-they are doing it all, look how much they can do/juggle/produce. They are such a superhuman. As if that’s the goal. To be more than human. When ironically, in my life, it was when I deeply nestled into my human- with all of her freeing limitations and glorious asks- that I slowly nestled into experiencing more of God’s presence.
It wasn’t long ago, I felt the journey of melding the human and the holy was too heavy a task, and I desperately didn’t want my babies to feel the heavy I held. It turned out that it was right through the heart of the heavy that healing came. I listened to the heavy, and it passed. I rested, received the healing gifts of others and took care of this vessel. If you are hurting and in need of support, hold on. Hold onto your breasts if you have to/want to. Let them remind you you are healing and whole-both divine and human. Hold onto something. The hard and heavy will pass. The rain will come. The relief will come. The rainbow. There is relief to suffering and people to hold you through it. Hold on. We are held in our humanity. There is beauty on the other side. Hold on, you are held.
I am now more content with my human. I long to wear her like a robe of royalty. I have met her and I love her. In fact, it has been in truly befriending her that I experience God face to face. When we embrace our divine humanity, somehow heaven seems to meet the earth and we are met with God’s presence. God with and within us.
So if at times the complexity of the world and our role in it feels too heavy to carry, I pray we all may have good friends filling our lives with laughter and good supportive bras to get us through.
How can we make friends with you, dear human, this season? How can we get so comfortable with our human that we feel free to embody every nook and cranny of this vessel? How can we enjoy this beautiful body we have been gifted to fulfill our purpose, our growth, our laughter, our desire for pleasure, our work, our essence here on this multidimensional earth?
God made creation and said, it is good. I want to say that too. I want to look at this earth and this vessel and all of her sweet limits and needs, and love it deeply and unconditionally. May our hope for heaven be so authentically rich that we begin to cultivate it here and now. Lord, show me the way.
Mantra: “I take in and give out nourishment in perfect balance” ~ From the book, Healing Your Body A to Z by Louise L Hay. According to this book, breasts represent nurturing and nourishment.
A quick note:
So grateful to be back here with you! I spent the spring and summer studying regenerative health and iridology and am grateful to say I am a certified regenerative health practitioner. With the studies of regenerative health and spiritual direction, I hope to serve others to help them feel as alive in their bodies as possible!
Also! Is anyone curious about trying out spiritual direction and would like to be my guinea pig? I am moving into my final year of spiritual direction training and as part of the requirements for our course we are asked to walk alongside others in spiritual direction. It would look like: meeting once a month over zoom or call, for approx. 1 hour, over the course of the next ten months. (From October- May). Spiritual direction can look as unique as the individuals involved, but my goal is for it to feel like intentional rest and time with God for you. If this is something you are curious about, simply reply to this email. I have space for one more and I would love to connect with you!
Over the next few pieces, I would love to share some practical ways I have learned and am practicing to intertwine my human and divine. Let’s be honest, this one was just getting too long. I would also be humbled to hear about your divinely human selves and how you make sense of your duality. When do your human and holy feel interconnected and when do they not? I would be honored to hear your thoughts.
Love to you!
Inspiration
“All spiritual disciplines are to help you trust this personal experience of yourself, which is, not surprisingly, also an experience of God. People are usually amazed that the two experiences coincide: when we know God, we seem to know and accept our own humanity; when we meet ourselves at profound levels of recognition, we also meet God. We don't have any real access to who we are except through God, and we don’t have any real access to God except through forgiving and rejoicing in our own humanity. “ Richard Rohr, Everything belongs.
“I like to think that I’m a pretty good mother, but I do lose my patience with them sometimes, and when I ask for their forgiveness they cannot wait to give it to me. They’ve taught me so much about vulnerability and how to receive mercy…There’s a quote I saved in a journal- I think it’s a Richard Rohr but haven’t been able to verify- that says this: “For God is endlessly resourceful. He saw that his greatness provoked resistance in man; he saw that man himself felt limited in his very being and threatened in freedom. That is why he chose a new path. He became a child. He made himself dependent and weak, in need of our love. Henceforth- so this God who became a little child is telling us- you can no longer fear me; from now on you can only love me.”…I wonder if her devotion to the infant Jesus comes from this sense of irresistibility, a desire to scoop up the mercy of God and hold it to one’s breast. Children want to love; I think many of us find that captivating. We can fear God’s judgment; it’s harder to fear God’s love.” Brittany Muller from Blessed Vigil
“...that the call to serve God is first and last the call to be fully human…” Barbara Brown Taylor, Leaving church: A memoir on faith.
“This is part of the mystery, that the humane, the humanity, the human bodies, are where we experience transcendence and God, restoration, the inclination to serve those who are suffering. We reach out as we were reached out to…Even a moment’s transcendence changes us. Everything is different afterward because we deep dove, we’re there in downward, inward higher places. So we know now. We remember.” Anne Lamott, Hallelujah Anyway: Rediscovering Mercy.
“Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love” Proverbs 5:18-19.
“...we are already spiritual beings. Great religion is trying to make human beings human…then at the core of human personhood, we discover that what it means to be human is to also be divine.”