“The only thing worth writing about is the human heart in conflict with itself.”
William Faulkner
My seeking for God’s face continued. This search is what pulled me forward spiritually. This desire to see the truth of who was behind it all. All of the mess and unexplainable workings of the world. Is it really true that I will never see God’s face in its entirety until after life on this earth? Why is that? I mean, Moses got to meet with God face to face (Exodus 33:11). Job too, at the end of his struggle with God, said, “my ears had heard of you, but now my eyes have seen you.” (Job 42:5) Another example of seeing God from the Old Testament comes from Hagar’s story. Hagar was an Ancient Egyptian slave of Sarah, wife to Abraham, who became pregnant with Abraham’s child. Hagar, after having been mistreated, ran away to the wilderness and was greeted by an angel of the Lord who heard her in her misery. She named that place Beer Lahai Roi, meaning I have seen the God who sees me (Genesis 16:7-15).
My favorite of the accounts of people from the Bible seeing God face to face came from the story of Jacob wrestling with God (Genesis 32:22-30). He actually physically wrestled with God, or so it seems from scripture. Up until now, Jacob had responded to difficult situations by lying, running and deceiving. But now Jacob knew the only way forward was to make peace with God. To find peace within himself. He showed this deep longing to conquer his personal anxieties and fears. So he wrestled. And he held onto God until he received a blessing and a fresh start.
My favorite interpretation of this story was shared with me by my dear dragonfly friend (dragonflies are known as the ‘keeper of dreams’ - so we like to call one another just that/ their presence has certainly been the fluttering reminder of goodness and dreams for me). This interpretation says, “we can imagine Jacob saying...I left Laban’s house stealthily instead of confronting him. I hate myself for being a person who lies and runs. But I’m afraid of facing up to the situation. By not defeating his conscience, and listening to the call for growth, Jacob wins. He grabs hold of the Truest part of himself, and lets die the longings that he knew needed to be cut off. He lets go of the old identity within himself, the one that continually led to dead ends, and held on for more life. He outgrows his Jacob identity as the trickster and becomes Israel, the one who contends with God and people instead of avoiding or manipulating them. At the end of the struggle, he is physically wounded and emotionally depleted. Nevertheless he is described as at peace with himself…possessing an integrity he had never had before.”1
In Jacob’s wrestle with God, he held on and demanded a blessing before letting go. There are multiple interpretations of this story from the Bible, but whether this was wrestling with God, an angel that was sent by God, or Jacob in a wrestling match with the false and true identity within himself, there was this wholehearted commitment, striving for truth, and a noticing of God’s presence and blessing. There was a wrestling away from his false self into a truer place of peace. Jacob named the place where he wrestled with God and received blessing, Peniel, meaning “God’s face”.
In this place, he saw Gods face. God’s face, the very vision and intimacy I had been after. This beautifully crazy yearning and longing in my soul had been deeply Biblical. The roots of this longing left me in awe and felt like balm to my soul, or maybe even more to my mind. As she was mostly the one doing the wrestling.
“God’s face” can be translated in Hebrew as God’s presence. Perhaps it is in the wrestle, in the midst of it, that we stumble into God’s presence. A presence so intimate that it can only be described as face to face. Jacob experienced God’s presence after wrestling away, and shaking off parts of him that brought nothing but dead ends, frustration and broken relationships. This letting go mercifully made space for him to stumble into a place of wholeness and a new name.
God renamed Jacob, Israel, meaning “he who strives with God” or “God strives”. This name marked the stepping into his truer identity, and letting go of his false self.
Wrestle, blessing, renaming.
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This story makes me think of one of my favorite teachers and mystics, Eckhart Tolle. Tolle is a powerful teacher/thought leader and often shares the story of how his journey into teaching began. Like many, his story began in struggle, he found himself weighed down and depressed. One day, he thought to himself, “I can not live with myself anymore”. Upon thinking it, by God’s grace, he almost heard himself say this thought, and again thought to himself, “wait, are there two of me? I don’t want to live with myself anymore. How can that be?” With this story as a foundation, he teaches that we are the awareness of thoughts, not the thoughts themselves. Stepping into that awareness, becoming the onlooker of the running dialogue in our mind, or the reader of the story we tell ourselves, helps us step into our true identity. The thoughts in our mind, the stories we tell ourselves, have the capability to hold us captive, but the awareness of them, that awareness can help set us free. Free to be boldly, authentically you and me. Okay, couldn’t hold back a nice little corny rhyme there, friends.
In the middle of my fight for answers from my Creator, I found I was actually often wrestling with myself. It was a vicious battle to claim my divine name, and rid myself of all of the other names the world gave me, and I had given to myself over the years. Separating who I am from the thoughts in my mind began to help the false parts fall away and the Truest version of myself to take flight.
When we take time to separate ourselves from the thoughts in our mind, we can get in touch with our Truest identity that resides in God’s presence with us. I am so grateful to my spiritual director for teaching me centering prayer. The practice of taking time in my day to be still, and to intentionally separate myself from the anxieties, fears, labels or judgments in my mind. Simply sitting, listening for God and taking a moment to separate my True Self from my false self. It’s as if the space created in the morning shows up throughout the day to tell me I have the choice to be driven by this thought/emotion or to let it inform me.
I stepped into the wrestling ring with God over the confusion at the pain in the world, and stepped out with the blessing of feeling at peace in my soul. I am still not certain of God’s plans or purpose of pain, but know in my core that God’s presence feels enough. It exists in the quiet, the stillness, the face of a newborn, in the awe of creation and miraculously in the space between us.
My prayer for us today is that we may wrestle away the false parts of ourselves that lead to dead ends, and rather step into the awe of God’s presence. And in that presence, may we clearly see and claim our truest identity. Our fierce, creative, authentic, bold, loving, at peace, wholehearted, full of life identity.
What is God renaming us today? When are you the truest version of yourself? So alive and true to who God made you to be that it’s as if you are face to face with your Creator? May we cultivate God’s presence within us more and more until God’s Kingdom come.
“May the Lord bless you and keep you; The Lord make His shine his face upon you and be gracious to you; may the Lord turn His face toward you and give you peace.” Numbers 6:24-26
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Inspiration
“It’s worth noting that at the culmination of nearly every wilderness journey is a naming. After receiving a new name of his own, Jacob, now called Israel, names the place where he wrestled with God Peniel, which means ‘face of God’. Hagar names the well of her salvation Beer Lahai Roi “I have seen the God who sees me.” So when we join with our spiritual ancestors in telling our stories of deliverance, we must remember to name each wilderness, to mark those spots where we encountered God.” Rachel Held Evans
“In Luke 9:23, Jesus teaches, “if any would come after me, let him deny himself.” The word deny means to refuse, and one needs to know oneself in order to refuse oneself. Deny does not mean to ignore or forget or dismiss but to refuse in favor of Jesus’ heart and desires. When we simply ignore or forget self, the powerful motives of our hidden hearts can wreak havoc on our attempts to follow Jesus. When we bring inner realities to light through self-knowledge, we are able to deny them joyfully, even if painfully, in order to listen to his voice.” Ted Wueste, Self Knowledge.
“Once we know who we are, we also know who we are not. We know where and with whom we belong, and we can cease trying to be all things to all people.” Sleeping with Bread ~ Hold What Gives you Life, Dennis Linn, Sheila Fabricant Linn, Matthew Linn.
“God answers a person’s prayers if the person prays by searching himself, becoming his own opponent.” B. Jacob
Etz Hayim Humash