Hi friend, just a quick note to say we are on Instagram @resurrected_faith and would love to connect with you there. I am excited for the opportunity to meet with you more frequently and in shorter-brighter bursts:) Also, my graphic designer/daughter is excited for you to see her creations, as many of you know I am not the most tech savvy-so I am grateful to say that area of struggle has led to a fun little mother-daughter connection point, and I think it will be a fun way to connect for us too. All my love, Kate
“It’s a huge part of the mythology around emotion that if we look it in the eye, it gives it power…the reality is, if we look it in the eye and name it, it gives us power.” Brene Brown
My children had a special way of introducing me to my shadow self. What’s the thing that is so commonly said, ‘I thought I was patient, and then I had kids’? My children were the most gracious bearers of news about myself. Of course they introduced me to profound love and increased my faith simply by looking at their angel faces. They also introduced me to parts of myself I did not know existed, including my shadow self. Before, my shadow hid in the depths of me. Shadow was tucked neatly into naps. She was always thoroughly fed and thoughtfully put away.
Then children: The Early Years Edition…I was stretched to my limits in both body and my being. I was patient, I was loving, I was living the dream…and then poof!: someone throws someone else’s favorite lovey in the toilet or husband talks to me about football while I am trying to put all the things away and out comes shadow. ‘What’s wrong with you?’, she yelled. And ‘I don’t care!’ she clapped. Sheesh, who was that? That seemed to come popping up out of nowhere. Well, certainly that was not me, I’d convince myself. That is only a part of me that came out to play because so and so pushed the button to wake her up.
Sure, there could have been more self care and awareness to help reduce the amount of moments of completely losing my cool and mind. Eventually, the scales tipped more towards awareness instead of freak outs, once I got my head up above water in order to oxygenate my brain so that I could know what I needed and then speak it aloud. But, I must say, I am glad that took me some time to figure out. Nearly drowning became my greatest superpower. I don't recommend it, because I don't want you to drown of course, but it did build up phenomenal lung capacity so that I can breathe more deeply and take in the present moment better than before. Being stretched to uncomfortable limits, and being introduced to the ugliest parts of me, became the gateway for deep self compassion and gentleness. The moments when I couldn’t calm a crying baby for another two minutes in the middle of the night, or when I was so overcome with fear while trying to make difficult health decisions for my child because of my deep love for them that I forgot my faith, and unnecessarily took this fear out in the form of lashing out at my best friend…It was in moments like these that I was invited into receiving grace and self compassion. So really, this meeting of the unconscious is mercy hidden in the shadows.
Jungian psychology explains the shadow self “as the part of the personality that the conscious ego does not identify in itself”. It is the unknown side. The part of us we don’t always admit to having. The part that we’re commonly afraid of and we don’t want others to see either. When we meet parts of ourselves we don’t particularly enjoy it is easy to say, well that is not me, because the ego does not like to identify with that part of ourselves. Ego is much more comfortable justifying it or projecting and disliking it elsewhere. But as my favorite parenting coach says, the truth is, that is me.1 Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. At first, this was somewhat disturbing- coming to terms with the fact that the parts of me I didn’t really like meeting were also showing a reflection of my heart- but, with a little help from some friends, I have found this news to be an incredibly empowering gift and a pathway to love.
We can start to work with the shadow side of ourselves to create positive change in our lives. Shadow work is a form of introspective psychological work that we can do to have more fulfilling lives.
I can’t help but wonder, maybe this is why Peter Pan never grew up, never learned the beauty of maturing. He was never able to learn from his shadow. He wasn’t able to integrate all of the insight shadow self had to offer. Try as he might, he could not keep that shadow sewn to his feet. Shadow kept running off. Peter tried desperately to trap and hold him down, but to no lasting success. They rarely could figure out a way to do things together. Living life together as an integrated whole was a fight, a race, and a game of tag, so Peter Pan remained a child. He never learned the beauty that can come with growing up. He didn’t gift himself the opportunity to integrate the joy of childhood with the wisdom of lessons learned along the way.
Walt Disney’s Peter Pan & Shadow
Our shadow isn’t something to hide or run from. The parts of ourselves we don’t want to admit to having don’t need to be pushed down into the depths of us. In fact, I think that is one of the greatest lies. In fear, we ignore and do our best to walk away from parts of us we aren’t proud of. In courage, we look every part of ourselves in the eye. Eye to eye we boldly say, even you can work for my good. Because when I walk away from fear, I turn my back on what it is trying to tell me. I am not giving it power. I let it come into the light, and then empower me. We don’t have to ignore envy. Most often, when we do, it only grows and grows until we really listen, or sneaks out the side door in the form of bitterness or sadness. Envy can point us to a desire. When we give envy over to God’s presence, we see it actually might be rooted in desire or a forgotten dream. Anger might be the avoidance of self. Anxiety and fear might even simply be telling us what we care about. When we learn to dance with our shadow it can become empowering instead of something to run from. In the presence of God, the source of light, we can get a clearer perspective on how our shadow is being cast.
“Even darkness is not dark to You. And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You.” Psalm 139:12 NASB
In a recent conversation with my spiritual director, some of my feelings about parenting were rising up. I said that there were moments that I felt proud of my parenting and how I responded in difficult situations. And other moments where I could have felt much better about how I responded. Welp, like, I lost it. Like, oh you know, when cute puppy ran muddy paws over white couch while children were ignoring my every word and wrestling to their own possible endangerment outside. I yelled for them to come inside so unnecessarily loud, the kind of yell that is more about giving my frustration an escape than it was about their safety, that afterwards I went into my kitchen and hid a little from the surrounding neighbors. There, behind the cupboards and next to the forks, imagined neighbor lady dropping off her son at the next playdate, telling me I wasn’t calm enough to homeschool. But I swear I’m not always like that!, I imaginatively argued with her.
Now, I know I know, we are all human-you might be thinking-, give yourself some grace poor lady…and if you are, then we are on the same page, because that is exactly the point. But sometimes, for whatever silly reason, I used to (and am still tempted to) swim around in guilt for a while first. Or shame. They apparently both feel like adequate self punishment when I don’t live up to my standards. But what mercy and grace are shouting from the shadow is, “hey you! I have got something for you! It’s a way out! Unless if you would rather sit in that guilt and shame pool for another few days.. you do look comfy there.”
I shared my feelings with her (spiritual director not neighbor lady) and then she repeated back to me that she heard I felt both high and low about my parenting that day. We sat in silence. She asked if anything was coming up for me about the feelings I shared. Thoughts, a word, a picture in my mind? Yes, there was. I was reminded of the importance of a redo. Reminded of the line I love from my favorite parenting coaches. The, ‘can I try that again?’ line that brings me peace and reinforces that our family values grace and forgiveness.
After I shared this thought, there was immediately more rising up. Are you ready for it/my weirdness? The idea of a troll came to mind. On the right side of my inner self, I could sense the idea of a troll that crept up from the shadows and came out to say hello. And then I also felt like, well goodness that’s a dumb thought, where did that come from? So in kindness, she repeated back to me what she heard. “Okay, so there is this troll, and a well gosh that’s dumb.” Then, angel spiritual director asked the most beautiful question that stopped me in my thinking tracks. So much so, that for a moment I thought she misspoke.
She asked, “Can you sense what those feelings might want for you?”
Whoa, wait…for me? Why would troll and judgy over there want something for me? Pondering this shifted my insides a tinge. That nasty troll, the self judgment, and the feels that I am not proud of…they are not here to tackle me to the ground. Could they possibly even be here to help me? I wondered through that for a bit. I was not sure exactly what a troll and some self judgment had to offer myself. Then she beautifully and patiently asked, “how does Jesus in you respond to the lurking troll and ‘gosh that’s dumb’? Can you sense how Jesus in you would respond?”
Immediately, my senses felt Jesus hanging out on the inner left side of me. The imagined presence of Jesus turned toward the right inner side of me, where apparently a troll and a rude person lived, and just embraced them with their presence. They - the trinity- said, I see you (to the troll). I hear you (to the judger-gosh-that’s-dumb-of-me-to-think energy). Then somehow, all of them lit up in pure energy. Every part of me tingling in aliveness. Tingling in compassion. ‘Is this what heaven feels like?’, I thought. Seeing blue and feeling a fullness of life I simply did not want it to end. It must have been the compassion running through my veins from that Jesus over there. One of those moments that words do not do justice. Life force sincerely moving through my veins. Just sitting there. A serene sense of interconnected calmness came over and in my body. This is what wholeness feels like, I thought again. This must be the work of integration.
Somehow even the presence of the troll and judgy became, dare I say, empowering. Empowering because they were not threatening. Empowering because they can not take me down. Especially when I listen for and attend to Christ within me. When I listen with my Creator, these characters of judgment and shame and fear and guilt become integrated into goodness and then shift to wholeness through the compassion of Creator. I feel deeply integrated each time I show myself compassion in this way. No parts of me hiding in shame. Beyond that, every part of me working together for good. Working together for good with the awareness of God’s presence working in and through and for me.
“All things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 Even shadow was made useful in the power of Christ's love and compassion.
When we meet parts of ourselves we don’t really like or particularly jive with, may we gently say ‘hello, what do you have for me today?’ And then, through compassion we can welcome shadow into the dance of life. We will dance out a life where darkness isn’t dark to us. Our fear can direct us toward love. Our anger can direct us to rest or to ask for support. And somehow, day after day, we realize it is the parts of us we used to run from that are the very pieces of ourselves that welcome us into wholeness, because it is through those pieces that grace and compassion can make a home.
Now, we certainly do not need to be constantly examining our shadow. We have too much joy, life and presence of mind to live out. But in the inevitable times of life where we get stuck in a rut, perhaps the way through is turning towards shadow. When it feels unnatural to bury the impulsivity, envy or greed under positivity, maybe we can get still, and for a moment ask “what could this want for me? What does my Creator have to say about this? How can this become empowering to me? How can this be light and turn to life?” Or when we are having trouble pulling ourselves out of sadness, anger or guilt from past or we are repeatedly confronted with shame, we can ask, how can this become an opportunity for self compassion?
Because the greed, envy, and impulsivity might be wanting something for you. To tell us something. To offer us a path toward growth and light. When they continually return, maybe God is saying through them; my darling, you are ready. You are strong enough to glean from this now. You can integrate this into your wholeness for good. For you and your growth. To turn what was dark into light through compassion and grace that you invite into you.
God and you together, caring for you. You have enough compassion, I see how you turn towards others. You are so wise. You can see the light even in the seemingly dark. You are strong and capable enough to learn what this envy wants for you. What jealousy wants for you. What this anger is longing to tell you. What this guilt from the past is creeping up to tell you. Like a thirsty traveler begging for the drink of grace. Only you can quench that thirst. Jesus is the water. Embracing grace is the water of life, but only you can offer yourself the drink. I even needed someone to show me where the darn cup was, but only I could let in the quenching water of life. My greatest lesson in shadow work is that I often need a mentor, a teacher, a friend, or a gifted healer to show me the parts of me that are thirsty for grace. And with each beautiful interaction, I am more convicted that we are designed to need one another for the work of integration and cultivating heaven on earth.
The moments that once felt threatening to me now feel like awareness and becomes compassion and gentleness toward self. Those moments are pure heaven on earth to me. When I bask in my integration. When I genuinely feel the divine in me, and let it say
I see you
I hear you
Let me love you in this. I hug you. I embrace you. Let us together wrap this in grace. And simply feel the beauty of heaven on earth in this oneness with me. Heaven is oneness with God and so in these moments, I deeply feel heaven on earth. At least heaven hovering within me.
Inspiration:
“I do not think you should get rid of your sin until you have learned what it has to teach you. Otherwise it will only return in new forms…” Richard Rohr, Falling Upward
“What is inside needs to be manifested outside or we become hypocrites.” Scott McKnight
“When we cannot tolerate the dark, we try all kinds of artificial lights, including but not limited to drugs, alcohol, shopping, shallow sex, and hours in front of the television set or computer. There are no dark emotions, Greenspan says—just unskillful ways of coping with emotions we cannot bear. The emotions themselves are conduits of pure energy that want something from us: to wake us up, to tell us something we need to know, to break the ice around our hearts, to move us to act...I have learned things in the dark that I could never have learned in the light, things that have saved my life over and over again, so that there is really only one logical conclusion. I need darkness as much as I need light.” Barbara Brown Taylor, Learning to Walk in the Dark
“Compassion is a spiritual way of living and walking through life. How we treat all there is in life - ourselves, our bodies, our neighbors, our enemies- matters. Compassion comes through understanding our own sorrow, sadness, emptiness, anger, and fear. Only when we know our own darkness can we be present and compassionate with the darkness that others struggle with. We can begin the practice of compassion at a very practical level by simply treating ourselves- inside and out- body and soul- and everything around us in a more respectful and honorable way. Many of us have not learned how to do this; we have learned simply to accept pain and abuse, or to be hard hearted or abusive. With practice, we can learn how to soften our hearts and thus let our selfishness and self-pity drop away.” Baron Baptiste 40 days to Personal Revolution
https://connectedfamilies.org/blog